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this vacation i've got to finish my entire AP textbook so i can take a test!
i'm fucking fucked.

you don't fucking understand. none of you understand.
and you keep asking me stupid questions and i forget that its not common sense to you idiots.
i'd really like to rip your faces off because yes, for the millionth time, yes you have to keep going its not like riding a bike.
you have to keep going or it just wears off.


i'm tired of trying to be profound

ignorant
egregious
trite
hypocritical
elitist
bitter
supercilious
assumptive
precipitous
haughty
impatient
insular
unwieldy
vulnerable
impatient
torpid

i am on a runaway train.
but i cannot decide
if i am the person arduously shoveling coal
into the oven
or the person in the last car
standing on the edge with my hands
gripping the metal bars
watching the past (seventeen years worth)
rapidly
fade away behind

++++
i hate this new millennium
i've decided that 80's music surpases that of the latter.
this milennium better get better.
everything feels played out.

Won't you come see about me
I'll be alone, dancing --- you know it, baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out

so i've watched the entire first two seasons of sex and the city...and i've seen st. elmos fire almost three times, and i want to watch the breakfast club right now.
i've finished studying for my two AP tests on expansion and manifest destiny/causes of the civil war and reconstruction.
im procrastinating a little bit.
the essay wont be hard, i know the material well...i just want to be watching the breakfast club.
i really like ally sheedy. not because shes cute and mysterious, but because she hangs on to vowel and consonant sounds and words echo in her hollow mouth.
but most of all, that movie makes me nostalgic for noni and my ohana
i wish i didnt live on this drastically big island.
i'm really really sorry i cant be more optimistic.
i cant believe i'll be seventeen really soon.
to say the least i'm happy im excited about it.

today feels like a good day. if only i didnt have homework. at least its only going to 4 days of school this week because of enrichment day [they brought it back! woohoo!]. and then only 2 1/2 more weeks of march...
but what i REEEEALLLY want right now is a croissant and an iced coffee.
ooh yes.
oh, that and my girlfriend. yes, i'd like some sarah with a side of sarah, mmhmm...
i just called her but she didnt pick up her phone. oh well, absence makes the heart grow fonder, dont forget you've just read it straight from this horse's mouth.
when i got back from blue ribbon last night [fabulous, absolutely fabulous by the way. i forgot how good their oysters were. and we had clams for the first time too...those were the best clams i've ever had. too bad we didnt have dessert though] and i got back wicked late and sarah was sooo mad at me. i spent a good half hour just trying to mellow her out.
i think i got her to crack when i sounded sleepy.
our conversation last night was wonderful...and all i've got to say is that i wish she was here right now.
mmm.

I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day...

i'd really like to be happy and active again...theres just so much i have to worry about right now.
it seems that my life is never good during this time of year...something is always down or i just feel depressed.

i truly do miss people, and i feel terrible for not caling anyone. i miss listening and talking.
i miss doing things.
i've come to realize there was never a right crowd for me and there never will be.
no. maybe there will but i'll just have to wait and see, wont i?
blue ribbon tonight. last time i went there i got offered wine and cocktails with dani.
i'm just looking forward to oysters and amazing food.

i'm really sorry to everybody.

why must i hear the noise of waters far below...

i was the only thing that made sense and now i dont anymore.
i dont think i'm really good for anyone anymore in large doses, like iodine or iron or something.
we all need it but like too much and ohhhh there you've got it-poisonining and you get all sick.

i swear to god i'm the dumbest thing he ever created. [you know god's a man when you get those cramps, mhmm...]

i wasnt made for anyone
but myself.
[aint that the fuckin truth?]
and thus the giving process begins.

congratulations to my wife for getting into sacred heart! heres to one weekend a month for a whole year!!!


i love you.

oh my oh my this weekend was soo wonderful!

right after school kahdeja and i caught a cab with her mom and rode to BYC...we hung out until the bus got there and then we all left!
the trip was fun, there was no traffic and we took I95 all the way up. i love traffic-free bus rides.
and oh my, the westin was so fucking nice. and oh the bed..it was so comfortable.
so we woke up friday and it took us an hour to get to the dennys in arlington for breakfast...and we ended up singing on the sunny side of the street in three parts because they made us do it.
then the presentation which was so disappointing...everybody looked so bored. i could've just walked out of there...it wasn't like last time where we sang heycoka te deum, na ni na, what we are and others...and got those three standing ovations amid 5 songs.
so whatever. we left boston public where we performed and we went to pizzeria uno's. i sat with jessica kimmell, khadeja, lys, jordan, and angelia. i dont think i ever stopped laughing. we talked about brenda and lys' axe body spray story. i may have choked on some food or something.
after that they let us go back the hotel and then let us loose in copley plaza. we didnt even have to go outside.
i looked pretty fucking sexy with my hair swooped low and tied up high in my uber low cut long sleeved blue shirt and my lucky's. the tiff jewlwery certainly helped...and the eyeliner.
oh baby!
it was nice just to caruse the mall...coach, tiffanys, j.crew, breps, aveda, thomas pink, louis vuitton...
but i got bored and ended up with ekela, anneka, sasha, bianca, and charnequa. i didnt feel like being a jap and spending money. maybe if i had $300 i would have bought a pair of sevens but i dont have that kind of money to throw around on any other day. maybe if it was christmas or birthday money [woohoo i'll be seventeen soon let us all not forget that].
we went back to their hotel suite and they put on this reggae mix and danced, ha! it was so much fun. it was like softcore porn because they just took off their shirts and did whatever.
we ended up later going to the america ballroom and having our talentshow which was funny but not half as funny as it was 2 years ago at ACDAPittsburgh...there was no tinkering with glases, or flute playing, story reading, or piano playing
most people just sang songs, lys did a monologue ["STELLA!" oh that girl never was the same after she got lost in that cornfield...], isaac read a poem, and then my black ladies eekela, anneka, bianca, lys, and sasha all got up and danced that was almost too much. i dont think i stopped laughing then, either.

saturday we woke up and had breakfast at the hotel--it was so good...i had my mini belgian waffles and hashbrowns and the best strawberries i have ever tasted.
ever.
i got my luggage and waited on the street level for my wife and jlow to show up...i should've waited in the lobby instead. i left my luggage at the hotel desk and we went onto the T green line and went in the wrong direction. she almost killed JLow because we didnt stop at the dunkin donuts [gross. where are my krispy kremes? thats right.]
the T is so fucking wierd! first off, they're wicked ugly trains. second, the green line runs on the street! just like, in the middle of the cars, its totally unnerving. i dont like my tracks on street level...even in the station underground--i could've just walked onto the tracks, there wasn't a platform...no tracks below...oh i was so freaked out.
but my my what a bad place to have sexual urges...the T...sigh.
we eventually found ourselves in harvard sq. and i bought a harvard sweatshirt while we chilled in the harvard barnes and nobles...then sarah bought us scratch tickets and still didnt get carded and i won her four bucks.
then harvard yard. eh, i'm sure its prettier in the spring.
we got bored and went to Jlow's house, and watched annie hall...
then we went for a walk and things got fucked up but we don't talk about it.
i miss them.
it was hard to leave them as i rode on the T [byyy myself and didnt get lost thats right folks am i good or what? yep i think so! great.]
i didnt cry though, but i felt lonely while i waited for my mom at the hotel. the party sort of felt over.
but it wasn't, we stayed at faith and rob's...we had heart shaped brownies and strawberry ice cream, and faith made us laugh so much.
the house was SOOO cold and i was an idiot for wearing boxers to bed but i stayed roasty toasty in the blankets provided. comfy bed too...even though it was a twin it looked perfect for sarah and i.

driving on sunday was also nice. mass pike was SO FAST.
but when we got to the end of mass pike i didnt wanna leave massachusetts. especially when we hit exit 4, to get on I91...and i was like NO STOP! GET OFF AT EXIT FOUR! NORTH ON I91 FORWARD, HO!
but we didnt get off at exit 4 for I91.
and i was only 40 minutes away from my girlfriend. so close. sooo close.
when we got to the holiday inn last night in schenectady i felt really lonely...it was okay though because mom and i went for a nice dinner and then came back to the hotel and watched a funny sitcom on fox, then emril lagasse, and then sex and the city.
Union today...the school was nice, i liked the new dorms and the food was pretty good--but the people there seemed really jappy, which is sort of what i'm trying to avoid. yeah, i dress a little like a jap sometimes but i'm not a fan of gossip and i really heard them talkign about people in a bad way.
it was like an extension of high school.
so we drove home on I87. i dont like New York State. its ugly. once we left massachusetts and entered new york i felt a stark difference...almost as if the ground and snow and trees were calling "WE'RE UGLY! PATAKI IS OUR GOVERNOR! TURN BACK! TURNNNNN BAAAAAACKKKK!!!!"
i need to live in massachusetts...its the only place i feel comfortable besides brooklyn. really. and i do tend to feel isolated out here.


oh i miss my wife, its such agony. and now she's in orlando with probably no way to contact me. no voice of hers for a WEEK.
what HELL.
and the homework i have ahead...
at least i've got a starbucks card. mmm.

i dont know how i feel and its bothering me

my palms
pressed up against the glass again.
i stand waiting for solace.
february eleventh,
your deadline
is approaching you
like an artillery man
with his bayonet pointing
towards at your face.
arduously running up a hill
that you have set before you.

everybody, meet frank from donnie darko:






i miss my girlfriend so much it's driving me to insanity.
i wish she missed me as much as i missed her. all i want is to be with her and be in her arms or doing something fun like dancing or riding around in her car or at her hockey game.
i wish i wasn't alone all the time with so much work to do; it reall makes me feel like gyles corey being crushed under a lot of stones.
le sigh.

i wait for the day that i will have to stop sharing you.

this weekend was absolutely horrible. i knew it was going to be a wreck even before it happened.
we've been friends with Kristin and Charlotte for a long time, but you know how it sometimes takes people a long time to realize the faults and qualities in people that they really disagree with? well, they came out this weekend.
even before they came, my mother began to express animosity towards the two of them. i couldn't really understand why, i mean, people have their reasons for not liking people and there are definitely qualities in both kristin and charlotte that i don't like, but there are qualities in everyone that i dont like, and qualities in me that other people don't like. you can't get rid of them and you have to learn to be the best person you can and sort of ignore the other qualities that people have that you don't like.
my mother was just embarassing this weekend and really mean to kristin in a horrible way. she'd say nasty things, walk seperate from us, and her attitude towards them was feverish and tumultuous-up and down.... she put me in a terrible mood and and worst of all she got really angry at me for giving her attitude [and physically hurting her last night when i elbowed her really hard try to get her to shut the fuck up at the dinner table] this weekend when she would say things that were embarassing.
my mother would sometimes be pleasant and then be really rude and cold. she told me that she wants nothing to do with me right now.
Kristin was really confused at my mother's anger, just as i was. thats how i get [utterly confused] when people all of a sudden hate me and just turn off to me.
its a quality they immidiately find and just turn themselves off without a proper explanation.
my mother explained to me about 5 minutes ago what she detests about Kristin, quite angrily and i was prompted to write because i'm just really irate with my mother right now--i'm practically afraid of her.
i know Kristin likes to talk about herself alot, which is a quality that my mother doesn't have. my mother hardly ever talks about herself. I mean she does as much as any normal person would but i hardly ever catch her telling long stories of experiences that shes had unless inquiring minds really want to know. and my mother REALLY hates how kristin can go on about stories about herself.
my mother also thinks Kristin is manipulative. and i see it, but so is my mother and she doesnt realize it. we're all manipulative and unless we're doing it on purpose, we dont realize it, from what i've seen, because i know i used to be pretty conniving and manipulative in sticky social situations, and i didn't realize it. i'm sure i have manipulative qualities now but i always try really hard to not be that way.
it's so hard to see this because my mother never wants to see kristin again and my Kristin really loves my mom and dad. i know what its like to lose really close people because your personality was something that they really hated. and then you go into hating yourself and who you are because someone got really fed up with you, and you know you've got to go through a period of eternal change. Most of all, Kristin is really alone with a malignant growth on her left thyroid gland. she's not married anymore, her daughter is all the way in Wellsley at Dana Hall boarding school and her family lives in California.
I know i'm going to get caught up in the middle of it. I'm going to be seeing Charlotte at camp when i go this year, and i will spend as much time with her as i possibly can [i didnt much last year because i spent half the time crying about sarah because we were arguing really badly]...lucky for my parents they have to drop me off a day early, because of that i doubt we're going to go stay with them a day or two before camp starts as we usually do.
although we've known them for 6 years, my mother told me that she was only friends with kristin and charlotte very recently because she knows how much i love them. she told me i could stay friends with them but i feel myself start to tear up as i realize how little i will see them without a car to drive up on 3 day weekends, and another best friend and a girlfriend already up there in that general area who i will also have to see, and managing time to see kristin and charlotte during breaks feels so impossible, the weight of it is apt to crush me into nothing.
it makes me feel like nothing not being able to get out there and see them without my parents. and oh god it will be so expensive to get up to NH by a bus...long and expensive...


oh my is life so expensive in so many ways...
i feel poor right now...so emotionally destitute.

this vacation was supposed to be wonderful... but i got smacked in the face with so much work. i'm on day two of my vacation and i'm already feeling very guilty about not getting to it already. i had a concert this afternoon with the brooklyn phil, which was a complete waste of my time. nobody was there...sigh. this season has been compeltely musically unfufilling.
i look at all these presents in the house with my name on the label, and feel as though i'm supposed to be or get excited. i don't want them. all i want is the love of my life in my arms.
i just want to be with her. i don't want presents. i dont want the coach bags i asked for, i dont smile when i see my name on a very large box in my living room. i don't want a kenneth cole coat or an expensive pair of jeans or tiffany earrings. okay...well, they're nice...and i wouldn't refuse them if they were given to me...
i just want her.

and i've just got to finish my homework before she comes.
so here we go, 80 pages of AP american history reading, a beautiful essay and 2 take home tests in the math and science areas.
i should have just stayed in school.